An Honest Conversation

We’ve made it this far. You did it all; picking up my pieces. Every time I fell apart, You were there, steady and full of compassion…even when I was the one causing the hurt.

My heart bears the scars of lies. Yet, my spirit knows Your truth. My mind races as we face another battle; each mountain somehow steeper than the one we last climbed. I am weak. Weighed down by the fighting, I see now that I should have let You fight for me.

You’ve seen it all along, the wall I’ve been building. You knew it was forming long ago; watched as I let fear come between us. I’ve never known the words for it before; the hard to swallow truth: I am angry. Hurt by what I don’t understand.

You experienced it with me; sitting in the basement, waiting for their storm to pass. Listening to the bottles hit the floor, shattering alongside my dreams.

You held my hand when darkness hovered above me, dried my tears at innocence lost. You were there when his hands were around my neck, giving me back my breath at the very last second.

You watched as I sat holding my first baby; heard my voice as I pleaded for mercy…witnessed the same breaking of my heart over my second, third, and fourth children.

You were there for every agonizing moment. You were there. And, every time, You allowed it…You asked me to trust You, as You allowed me to be broken.

I am angry. Hurt by what I don’t understand. Yet, because I know You as Father, as King of my heart, as The One who formed me; who loved me before the earth began. Because You have taken every darkness and turned it into light. Because You have used everything meant for my destruction to build me up into more than I imagined I could ever be. Because You took what my enemies meant for evil and somehow used it to do something good. Because You suffered and died just so that we’d never be separated…

I choose to stay here with You. I choose to believe the unbelievable. I choose to blindly trust. I choose a plan with an ending I can’t yet see; a purpose I don’t yet understand. I choose You, Jesus.

I realize now that there is room in our relationship for these dark and ugly feelings. For my doubts and fears. For my wandering. You can handle it all. You will continue to love me, even when it hurts us both. And You’ll never allow me to settle for less than Your best plans for my life. That kind of love is worth any suffering this life may hold. Nothing can compare to that kind of love. Knowing You is worth it all.

Until my anger subsides and I come to understand…I choose us. It’s time for the wall to come down.

brick flower

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