Every test on spiritual gifts I’ve ever taken has resulted in the same answer for strongest gift: Faith. So, when something shakes my faith…it shakes the core of me. It takes me down. Not for long, but it hits hard. Like an ocean overtaking me, there’s a pain inside that colors my whole world dark. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I can really only cry those tears that burn from the inside out with one question: “Why?!”
I let my guard down very rarely, if at all. A lifetime of abuse and trauma have built walls I have yet to learn how to tear down. (I’m working on it. Baby steps.) I don’t trust people. But I trust Him. Not because He is God and I should; because He’s earned it.
He held my hand through the fire.
When Dad came home drunk again, Mom took our her rage on me, and I hid in the basement crying with my baby sister…He was there.
When my boyfriend dragged me to the middle of a field, took my clothes from me and abandoned me, naked and alone in the dark of night…He was there.
When my next boyfriend shoved my face into a pillow and raped me…He was there.
When my Dad died of cancer…He was there.
And when I later found out that my family background- my entire origin story- was formed in the midst of unspeakable evil…He was there then, too.
God is the only One who NEVER. LET. GO.
His presence and His word have been the only constant in my life; all that is trustworthy and pure. He holds the entire world in His very capable hands so, if He’d really wanted to, He could’ve left me where He found me. He could’ve turned and walked away when He saw me making bad choices over and over, or when He found me drowning in the choices of others; the ripple effect of sin visible from Heaven. But He didn’t.
He held tight to my hand and whispered His love to my heart until the fire was behind us. He brought me through it all. Not only that, but He has (and is) using every bit of that pain to create a new, beautiful story of redemption and victory; one that enables others to reach out to Him in hope.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been angry with God. Very few times, when something big and painful has happened, have I felt like His hand has come out from beneath me and I have no place to land. I may not have liked what happened. I may have been devastated…But I didn’t blame Him. I trusted that He was there and, eventually, He’d use all that the enemy had planned to hurt me, for good. (Genesis 50:20)
This past week…I found myself back in unfamiliar territory. Through hot, angry tears, I silently fell at the feet of The Faithful One and laid the pain in my heart before Him: Betrayal. I felt like He’d betrayed me. I took a step of faith, pushing fear aside and trusted that He would answer with a resounding “Yes!” in response to my belief. I had claimed healing…and healing didn’t come.
Where do I go from here? From this place of despair and loneliness; when I can feel the walls around my heart growing taller? How do I get back to my greatest spiritual gift?
I choose to remember the truth that the same God who walked me through the fires of life, is still right here next to me when the answer isn’t what I’d expected. The truth that He’s still fighting for me, even when the enemy is trying to convince me that He’s given up. The truth that, every other time my faith was shaken…He brought me from darkness to light. The truth that, even though my mind is filled with fear, my heart knows that He’s never failed…and He’s not going to start now.