You are all I ever wanted. Now you’re here, and I’m messing it up. I don’t know how to be who I thought I’d be with you. Who I wanted to be. Every day, I try to move towards being that person and every day I seem to fail.
I’m stuck in between the person I was and the person I want to be. Fighting. Years of fighting. Somehow, I’m right back where I started.
I die inside a little each time you try to hold me, each time you ask me to hold you…and I can’t. Not for long anyway. That feeling inside takes over. The suffocating fear, the crippling ache, the intense need to pull away from the ones I love the most…because the ones I used to love the most betrayed all that was sacred.
They took. Even in their absence, they’re still taking. What I’m left with never quite feels like enough.
I’m a work in progress. Though I don’t have much to offer in this moment, I can promise that giving up is off the table. I’m weary from the fight but you’re so worth fighting for.
This place is dark and tormenting…but I won’t settle here. Though it feels lonely, I’m not alone. The One who gave you to me offers the promise of victory. I refuse to be defeated.
Though I don’t deserve you, here you are. By design. In that truth I find the strength I need. To get up again. To try harder. To push further. Fire-tested and refined. I will forever fight to live beyond what’s left of me…to be recreated and restored. To live and to love beyond the scars.
You are my reward. I’d suffer it all over again if it meant that, in the end, there was you. You are greatest achievement. My reason and my inspiration. You love me, even when I feel unlovable. For that, there are no words. Only the eternal echo of a redeemed and grateful heart.